Talking to God and Man
The Bible says that we’re made in the image of God (Gen. 1:27). But what does that mean? It means that we’re designed to reveal, reflect, and represent God on the earth. But it also means that we’re rational, emotional, and spiritual beings. It means that, like God, we’re persons who can think, feel, know, reason, love, create, and speak.
One of the external evidences that we’re like God in ways unlike the animals is that we’re speaking creatures. We’re made to speak to God and to each other. The ability to speak enables us to live in relationship with God and with others.
This means that our lives revolve around words. Words are what bring us together and create connection. Words are how we’re known and how we know others. As one writer says, “Community depends on communication – upon information and attitudes shared in common.”[1] To say it another way, the way we use words can make or break communities, whether in a marriage, among children, at school or work, or in a church.
Words have an awesome God-given power to bring people together or drive people apart. As we’ll see today in Proverbs, words have the power to hurt, to heal, and to reveal. The main point of this sermon is that words can bring life or death. This is what Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.”
Words Hurt
First, let’s consider the power of words to hurt. Isn’t it a tragedy that we’ve all used one of the primary things God gave us to reflect him and connect with others in order to hurt and harm others? Let me be clear, using our words to harm is sin. One of the clearest evidences of our fallenness in sin is that we don’t have to teach our kids how to do this. We’re born hard-wired and ready to use our words to hurt people around us.
You may say, “I don’t really care what people say about me.” Yes you do! The children’s phrase, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me,” is unambiguously false. The most painful moments of your life and mine most likely involved someone close to you saying something that touched the deepest part of you. When this happens, Old Testament scholar Derek Kidner says, “What is done to you is of little account beside what is done in you.”[2]
Words have tremendous power to penetrate the inner recesses of our hearts and leave scars that wound us for life and even shape our identities. How many of us battle thoughts like, “I’m so stupid”, or “I’m too sensitive,” or “I’m just like my dad or mom,” or “I’m annoying and people can’t stand to be around me.” These thoughts came from somewhere. They were most likely words from someone close to you, and they left their mark. Words have tremendous power to hurt. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”
What Kind of Words Hurt?
Proverbs has lots to say about the kind of words that hurt. The main thing we find is that hurtful words are words that should’ve never been spoken. Our inability to restrain our words is why we hurt with our words.
Proverbs 12:18, “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Unrestrained words are like someone who takes his sword out and starts waving it around indiscriminately. They may not intend to hurt someone, but their inability to hold their tongue often leads to someone getting hurt.
Proverbs 10:19, “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” An unchecked flow of words, simply by the law of averages, will often hurt people. The more we speak, the greater the chance that we sin with our words.
This is why Solomon says that it’s better for the fool to just remain silent: “Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent” (17:28). This is what we all did in school in the classes where we had no idea what the teacher was talking about. We just sat there silently pretending to know what’s going on rather than opening our mouths and removing all doubt.
Consequences of Hurtful Words
Because God made a universe that works by cause and effect, there are certain things that happen if we don’t restrain our words. Proverbs 10 tells us what some of these consequences are (vv. 13-14, 21, 31). These consequences can be summed up as self-destruction. The one who doesn’t restrain his words destroys himself.
Unrestrained words are hurtful, and one of the main casualties is ourselves. As one commentator says, “A fools tongue is long enough to cut his own throat.”[3]
The wise person, on the other hand, Solomon says, doesn’t shoot from the hip with their words. Rather, they use their words carefully, not rashly. In so doing, they keep from injuring themselves and others.
David Hubbard was a seminary president and professor for many decades and in his commentary on Proverbs he talks about how these principles about words informed his leadership. His words are instructive for any of us who lead in any capacity, whether at home or at work. He says:
“In sizing up people as potential participants…whether as administrators or trustees, I carefully observed their patterns of speech. Obviously, what they said needed to make sense. But I watched for much more than that. Did they wait their turn? Did they step on the lines of others? Did they have a need for the last word? Did they try to top everyone else’s stories? Did they sound off in their areas of incompetence? Could they say, ‘I don’t know’? Did they repeat themselves badly or wander aimlessly through their subject matter? Persons with these and other verbal liabilities…are not sensitive enough, not succinct enough, not modest enough, and not gracious enough to work well with others. They waste time, hurt feelings, and shatter morale. They, with the rest of us, need to sit longer at the wise teacher’s feet and learn that restraint in communication is essential to prudent speech.”[4]
When we use our words rashly, we hurt ourselves first. We destroy ourselves by losing credibility and respect in our communities. This is why Paul says that elders must be “self-controlled, respectable…gentle, not quarrelsome…not arrogant or quick-tempered…but upright, holy, and disciplined” (1 Tim. 3:2-3; Tit. 1:7-8).
Separating Words
Another thing that happens when we use hurtful words is that we divide people who should be friends. Proverbs 16:28, “A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.” And, “He who repeats a matter separates close friends” (17:9).
Our words hurt by separating people who should be together. Pastor Alistair Begg says it this way:
“By…words we can destroy our neighbor, crush the feelings of a friend, set fire to relationships between people…One wrong word may spoil a person’s character, smear a person’s reputation, mar the usefulness of someone’s life for a very long time as a result of the use of words to harm.”[5]
The word for “whisperer” in Proverbs 16:28 is translated “gossip” in the NIV. Solomon is saying that gossip separates friends. What is gossip? Saying things about people rather than to people. If you won’t say something to a person, then don’t say it about the person. Our sinful hearts are revealed in that we would rather talk about people rather than to people.
Using words to make ourselves look better or tear down someone else is a sure way to destroy the unity of a community. And it’s up to the community to address this when it happens rather than just letting it happen. Church members shouldn’t tolerate gossip about other church members. If you do, it’ll only come back to hurt you because if someone will gossip to you, then they’ll gossip about you. The philosopher Pascal said, “I lay it … as a fact that, if all men knew what others say of them, there would not be four friends in the world.”[6] Gossip separates people who should be friends.
There’s a story about a lady who goes to her pastor, confesses to him that she’s been guilty of spreading a malicious rumor around their town. She feels bad about it and asks for his help. He says, “What I want you to do is get a bag of chicken feathers and take them and put them on every doorstep in the whole town and then come back to me.” She returned and said, “I did it.” “Now,” he said, “what I want you to do is go back and gather up all the feathers, put them back in the bag, and bring them back.” The lady said, “But the wind has been blowing and now they’re everywhere!” The pastor says, “Yes they are. And so are your words. You can be forgiven, but you can’t get them back.”[7]
Do you see how your words can hurt others and hurt yourself? With our words we bless God and then curse people made in the image of God (Js. 3:9). With unrestrained words we pierce people’s hearts like a dagger. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”
Words Heal
Secondly, words have the power to heal. Proverbs 12:18 again, “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Wise people speak words that heal rather than hurt. Listen to how Solomon describes the words of the wise: “The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life” (10:11), and “a gentle tongue is a tree of life” (15:4). Wise people speak words that bring life rather than death.
What are Healing Words?
What are healing words? Let me give you four things.
First, healing words are honest words. “Kings take pleasure in honest lips” (NIV, 16:13). Speaking honestly sometimes hurts, but the hurt isn’t a result of rash or foolish or gossipy words. The hurt is a result of love and desire to wound in order to heal. Solomon says it this way, “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy” (27:5-6). His father David said it this way, “Let a righteous person strike me – it is a kindness; let him rebuke me – it is oil for my head; let not my head refuse it” (Ps. 141:5). Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is tell someone something they don’t want to hear. It takes tremendous courage to do this, but if it’s driven by love, it can bring healing.
Next, healing words are calm. “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (15:1). Calm words diffuse explosive situations. Rather than pouring gas on a fire by snapping back with harsh and defensive words, calm and gentle words pour water on a fire. When you’re in an argument with someone, does saying “Calm down!” usually work? No it doesn’t! What if, instead, you said something like, “I can tell you’re upset right now and I love you and want to sort this out, so let’s take some time and circle back to this later tonight?”
Next, healing words are timely. “To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is!” (15:23) Have you ever said the right thing at the wrong time? Growing in wisdom is learning not just what to say but how to say it and when to say it. Suzy and I have an unofficial rule that we try not to have hard conversations past 10:00pm. Why? Because we’re too tired to think clearly. If you don’t know when a good time to talk about something is, you can say something like, “Hey I wonder if we could talk about x, y, or z, is this a good time?”
And finally, healing words are good words: “Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad” (12:25). We aren’t the first people to struggle with anxiety and depression. Ancient people had the same struggles we do. One of the things that brought healing then still brings healing now: “good words.” The NIV translates this as “kind” words. These are words that are generous and gracious. When you’re with someone who’s hurting, “good words” are words that validate rather than minimize what they’re feeling, words that show genuine care and concern, words that seek to understand and enter into the pain, words of curiosity not criticism. People who’re hurting don’t need lots of words from us, they need us to simply sit with them, and as we do, we can show them we care by using kind words, saying things like, “I can’t imagine all that you’re feeling right now. It has to be so scary and frustrating and confusing to be going through this. I want you to know that I’m with you no matter what.” Reassuring words like this bring hope to the hopeless.
You may say, “I never know what to say in these moments. I’m just not gifted with words.” Most of us feel that way, but the good news is that we can learn to speak words of healing. How? The way we learn how to do anything else, by thinking about it and practicing it. “The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer” (15:28). It’s amazing what can happen when we think before we speak!
“The tongue of the wise brings healing” (12:18). God wants to use our honest, calm, timely, and good words to extend his healing power to those who need it. Do your words heal?
Words Reveal
And thirdly, words have the power to reveal. You ask, “Reveal what?” They reveal our hearts.
Solomon says it this way, “The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious and adds persuasiveness to his lips” (16:23). And, “The lips of the wise spread knowledge; not so the hearts of fools” (15:7).
Solomon links the heart with the mouth when he says things like, “The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things” (15:28).
Wise words aren’t the result of verbal skill but rather come from inner resources of goodness and integrity. Wise words come from a wise heart. Foolish words come from wicked hearts. Derek Kidner again says, “What a man says wells up from what he is.”[8] Or as Jesus said, “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” (Mt. 12:34).
There’s a children’s song called “Good Fruit” by the group Rain for Roots, and it goes like this:
Apples don’t grow on pear trees
Apples don’t grow on pear trees
Apples don’t grow on pear trees
No apples there! it only grows pears
Bananas don’t grow on plum trees
Bananas don’t grow on plum trees
Bananas don’t grow on plum trees
No ‘nanas come! They only grow plums.
Your heart is where the words of your mouth grow
Your mouth is where the thoughts of your heart go
Jesus, change our hearts to bear,
To bear good fruit[9]
Jesus’ Words Break Our Hearts
Our words reveal our hearts. What’s in us is what comes out of us. This is why Jesus can say that we’ll be judged by every careless word we speak. He even says that we’ll be justified or condemned by our words (Mt. 12:36-7). Why? Because our words reveal whether we’re justified or not. They don’t save us but reveal whether we’re saved.
The only sure way to change our words is to change our hearts. We don’t need verbal tips and tricks. We need heart surgery from Jesus. We need him to heal our hearts.
How does he do that? I said earlier that healing words are calm words. Solomon says, “A soft tongue will break a bone” (25:15). We need Jesus’ words to “break” our calcified hearts.
Paul says that it’s the Lord’s kindness that leads us to repentance (Rom. 2:4). If we’re being honest, we know that we have no right to live in our Father’s house. We’ve broken his rules and scoffed at his authority and denied his goodness. He could banish us from his house forever. But instead he comes to us in tenderness and holds us and says he’ll forgive us if we come to him.
After we truly hear his words, we go to our rooms and shut the door and fall on the floor, feeling as if all our bones were broken by the softness of his words.
In Jesus, God speaks to us words of life instead of death. He shows us kindness in the face of our rebellion. His tenderness in the face of our resistance melts our hearts. His “soft tongue breaks our bones.”
Have you heard the voice of Jesus? Maybe you think he’s waiting for you to get your act together, to clean up your language, before you can be his. No, he wants you to come as you are. He wants you to hear his words, words that may hurt at first but will heal in the end, as they reveal the glory of his goodness.
Have you heard the good words of Jesus? Are they remaking your heart?
[1]David A. Hubbard, Proverbs, The Preacher’s Commentary, vol. 15 (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1989), 218.
[2]Derek Kidner, Proverbs: An Introduction and Commentary, Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries, vol. 15 (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1964), 46.
[3]Bruce K. Waltke, The Book of Proverbs: Chapters 1-15 (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 2004), 102.
[4]Hubbard, 220-1.
[5]https://www.truthforlife.org/resources/sermon/words/#back-[14]
[6]Ibid.
[7]Ibid.
[8]Kidner, 49, emphasis his.