New Rules for an Age-Old Game
In our study of Ephesians, we’ve learned that chapters 1-3 are Paul’s outlining of what God has done to save his people and create a new people, a new society, made up of Jew and Gentile. We’ve also learned that chapters 4-6 are Paul’s instructions for how the church should live in light of their new position in Christ (4:1, 17, 5:2, 8, 15). Our calling into union with Christ reshapes our lives. It doesn’t remove us from our earthly responsibilities. Rather, it gives us a new way of carrying them out.
One of the most basic dynamics in God’s new society is loving authority and humble submission. Submission is an evidence of being filled with the Spirit (5:18, 21). Absolute mutual submission is popular today. The total removal of any hierarchy within the church or the family or anywhere else is driven by the egalitarian philosophies that prevail in our culture today. But Paul explains what he means by “submitting to one another” in 5:22-6:9. He means that we should submit to others according to the order and authority structures established by God.
This section is called the “household code” because it’s all about relationships within the household: husband/wife, parent/child, and slave/master. Spirit-filled submission happens first and foremost in one’s house. This morning, we’re looking at the parent/child relationship in 6:1-4. In the new society of God’s people, God has rules for kids (vv. 1-3) and rules for parents (v. 4). These will be our two points this morning.
Rules for Kids
In verses 1-3, Paul gives kids one basic rule, followed by some reasons for it. Paul addresses children as well as parents because he knows that whole families will be present in the public gathering of the church. Kids will be in the room when the church gathers to worship God and hear this letter read. There’s wisdom in having kids classes, but kids, as soon as possible should be in worship and hearing the word taught. This was certainly Paul’s assumption, as he addressed “children” directly in his letter to the church.
What did Paul say that children should do? “Obey your parents.” In other passages, Paul says that “disobedience to parents” is a sign of depravity (Rom. 1:30), a sign of the evil of the last days (2 Tim. 3:2). Our society’s tolerance of disobedience among children, even in the church, is thus further evidence of our society’s quick spiral downward.
Obey Because of Nature
Paul then gives three grounds, or reasons, for the obedience of children in a Christian home. The first reason is nature, or natural law, or because this is the way God created things to work. This is found in the phrase “for this is right” in verse 1. There doesn’t necessarily need to be special revelation for us to know that this is right. This principle isn’t confined to Christian ethics. In Paul’s day and ours, pagan cultures required children to obey their parents. All civilizations see this as a key part to maintaining a stable society.
Obey Because of the Law
The second is the law, as in the Old Testament Law. This is verses 2-3. Paul quotes the fifth commandment from Exodus 20:12. Children should obey their parents because God says so. This commandment is considered one of the “horizontal commandments” as it has to do with our earthly, or horizontal, relationships. The Hebrews believed that this commandment belonged on the first table, or tablet, of commands because it was part of our duty to God himself.
In other words, the fifth commandment tells us to honor our parents because in doing so we’re acknowledging the God-given authority they have in our lives. As children, our parents represent God to us, they mediate his love and authority to us. So when we honor them, we’re honoring God himself.
Because God delegated some of his authority to parents, he required obedience from children. Reverence for parents was seen as a way to reverence God (Lev. 19:1-3). God said there’d be great consequences for a child who despised their parent’s authority (Lev. 20:9; Deut. 21:18-21).
Paul no doubt bases his teaching on the teaching of the Old Testament, but in verse 3 he enforces God’s command with a promise, rather than with threats. The promise is prosperity, “that it may go well with you,” and long life, “that you may live long in the land.” In the Old Testament, God’s blessings toward his people were closely tied to the Promised Land, to safety, security, health, good harvests, and prosperity. But with the coming of Christ, things changed. This is why Paul uses the more generic word “earth” rather than “land” in verse 3 (though not reflected in English). The Promised Land has faded from view. God’s people are now an international community, and his blessings are primarily spiritual in nature (1:3).
What does Paul mean, then, when he says that children who obey their parents will “live long in the land”? This can’t be pressed too strictly because there are young people who loved and obeyed their parents and yet died young. John Stott gives us one way to interpret this promise. He says, “Probably we should interpret this in general rather than individual terms. Then what is promised is not so much long life to each child who obeys his parents, as social stability to any community in which children honour their parents. Certainly a healthy society is inconceivable without a strong family life.” A culture where parental authority is respected is a culture of life and peace and blessing. A culture where parents are viewed with disdain or suspicion or contempt is a culture full of strife, conflict, and unrest.
We must not over-generalize this promise, however. Paul says to the children who obey their parents that it will go well “with you” and that “you” will live long in the land. Just because there are exceptions to this general principle doesn’t mean that the promise is void. God doesn’t make promises flippantly. He aims to bless and reward children who honor their parents.
Should Children Obey All the Time?
This raises a couple of questions. First, is the command to obey our parents unconditional? In other words, should we obey them no matter what? No, we shouldn’t. Just as wives shouldn’t submit to a husband who is asking her to sin, so children shouldn’t obey parents who’re asking them to sin.
One of the trickiest ways this plays out is when a child from an unbelieving family is converted and wants to be baptized, but the parents forbid it. In this case, it seems wise for the child to not defy their parent’s authority and be baptized. Baptism can, and probably should, wait until the child is older. When the child reaches the age of independence, they can be baptized.
But if the same parents tell their child to not follow or worship Christ, the child must disobey. Jesus probably had this kind of situation in mind when he said that parents and children would be opposed to one another because of him (Matt. 10:35-37). In such a situation, our loyalty must be to Christ first. Children must follow Christ first, not their parents.
Should Children Always Have to Obey?
The other question this raises is, does a child have to obey their parents as long as they live? Is Paul only talking to kids still living at home, or to all children everywhere, no matter how old they are? There are some cultures that require children to obey their parents as long as the parents are alive. In our culture, we say that children become adults at age eighteen.
These verses don’t address this question directly, but because Paul refers to the raising of children in verse 4, it seems fair to say that children should obey their parents as long as they’re under their care. Children should obey their parents as long as they’re considered minors. If a teenager is still living at home past age 18, then I think they should be given freedom to make a lot of their own decisions, while also respecting the house rules of their parents.
“Honor Your Father and Mother”
We must not miss the first word of verse 2. Children are commanded to “honor” their parents. Even if we’re not under their authority, even if we don’t live in their house, even if we’re not under obligation to obey them, even if we have our own families, we’re still obligated to honor our parents.
Many of us as adults struggle to do this. We assume that we can live our lives completely independent of our parents. We speak rudely to them like we did when we were teenagers. We think that their ways are old-fashioned and outdated, so we’re hesitant to seek our parents for counsel, to listen carefully to their advice, or to really want to talk to them much at all.
One of the most glaring ways we dishonor our parents in our culture is by failing to take care of them in their old age. Listen to how John Stott, in 1979, describes this sad reality: “Although in some circumstances it may be unavoidable and in others even desirable, it is a sad reflection on the selfish western tradition…that instead of looking after our elderly relatives ourselves, we consign them to an old people’s home. Thus to isolate, and even symbolically reject, one’s own parents can seldom be reconciled with the command to honor them.”
There are no doubt times when we simply cannot care for our parents anymore, or when they need specialized medical care. But there’s no excuse for why my grandmother’s roommate at her assisted living center never has any visitors. Thousands, maybe millions, of our mothers and fathers sit in rooms by themselves with nothing to do but watch television, eat, watch more television, and then sleep. Their loneliness, despair, sadness, and hopelessness is the result, in large measure, of our failing to honor them by doing the hard work of taking care of them.
Paul says that taking care of our elderly parents is pleasing to God (1 Tim. 5:4). Some older members may need to rethink your approach to caring for your parents. Some younger members need to start thinking now about how you’ll care for mom and dad one day. Honoring father and mother is commanded by God and is therefore part of our Christian duty.
“In the Lord”
I said earlier that Paul gives three grounds, or reasons, behind the command for children to obey their parents. The third reason is the gospel. He alludes to this in verse 1 when he says, “in the Lord.” Paul says that children should obey their parents because of their relationship with Jesus Christ. Obedience to parents is what those “in the Lord” do.
Those in Christ are given the Spirit of Christ who helps them become more like Christ, even in their relationship with their parents. Even Jesus was submissive to his earthly parents. After Mary and Joseph found Jesus teaching in the temple as a twelve year old, he “went down with them and came to Nazareth and was submissive to them” (Lk. 2:51). Children who know Jesus want to obey their parents because they want to be more like Jesus, who obeyed his parents.
Rules for Parents
The rule for kids is that they obey their parents. In verse 4, we see the rule for parents. Though the verse is addressed to “fathers,” it applies to both parents. Paul said that children should obey their “parents,” plural, in verse 1, and that both “father and mother” should be honored in verse 2. While both parents must be engaged in the hard work of raising children, I think Paul addresses “fathers” specifically to remind them that they have a special responsibility in the raising of their children. By God’s design, the home will go the way of dad.
Don’t Provoke Your Children
Paul gives two rules to the parents, one negative and one positive. First, he says that they should not “provoke their children to anger.” Fathers especially are told to not provoke, or incite, rouse, or elicit anger in their children. What does this mean? It means that they shouldn’t say or do things that will stir up anger in their kids. Obviously, some things parents say to their kids will make them angry. Elisha isn’t happy when I tell him that he has to go to timeout for hitting his brother. But that’s not the same thing as me belittling him for doing so. This command means that parents shouldn’t use excessively severe discipline, make unreasonably harsh demands, abuse their authority, be unfair, show favoritism, constantly nag, or humiliate their children.
Behind Paul’s command here is the recognition that children are persons in their own right. They’re little people, but people nonetheless, so treat them how you’d want to be treated. There’s no quicker way to discourage your children than by treating them as less than human. And there’s no better way to see a child’s personality blossom and their gifts grow than the positive encouragement of loving parents. Your children need to know that you’re for them, not against them. How you treat them, more than what you buy them, will be what best communicates that.
Do Discipline and Instruct Your Children
That is what parents must not do. What they should do is to “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” The verb “bring them up” is the same word used in 5:29 to refer to the nourishment husbands are to give their wives. It refers to the tenderness required in raising children. Being a drill sergeant isn’t God’s way, and it isn’t going to work because it won’t change your kid’s heart.
This doesn’t negate discipline. Paul explicitly says that there should be discipline, or training. Our children aren’t going to grow into responsible God-fearing adults if we take a hands-off approach. One of the most fundamental things that this means is that we must learn to say “no” to our kids. Giving them everything they want and putting no boundaries around their lives is literally going to destroy them.
Listen to the wisdom of Solomon. “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him” (Pro. 13:24). “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol” (Pro. 23:13-14). “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother…Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart” (Pro. 29:15, 17).
Disciplining our children is sparing them from pain and misery and will lead to their, and your, joy. Many of you are well past the age of disciplining your children. You may need to ask God for forgiveness for not carrying out the principles of his word in the way you raised your children. You may need to apologize to your kids for being overbearing or too lenient toward them. God can still use you to guide and bless their lives through your prayers and godly example. You may not discipline them anymore, but you’re still their parent.
Many of you will likely have children one day. Resolve now to raise them in a way that pleases God. Resolve now to swim against the tide of our culture that says that spanking children is the same as child abuse. Resolve to love your children enough to discipline them. Single folks, pray for those you know who have kids. Offer to help them however you can.
Parents must also “instruct” their children. We “bring our kids” up morally and mentally. We must teach our children about God, his word, and his ways. But we must also teach our kids to think. We must not numb their imaginations with entertainment, but rather create in them a love of learning. We must help them see God’s glory in every inch of the world. This isn’t the church’s job or the school’s job. The instruction of children is the responsibility of their parents.
Love As God Loves
In summary, Paul urges children to obey their parents because it is right, it is commanded, and it is part of their responsibility as Christians. And he urges parents to not provoke their children, to not discourage them, but to rather raise them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
In contrast to the norms of Paul’s day and ours, fathers especially must be gentle and patient discipliners and teachers of their children. They must care for their children as God cares for his. They must love their children as God loves his.