Ephesians 5:22-24 | “Wives, Submit To Your Husbands”

A Word to Singles

For the next three weeks, we’ll be studying what Paul says about marriage in Ephesians 5:22-33.  I want to begin with a word to singles.  Brothers and sisters in Christ who’re single or widowed, God isn’t withholding from you by not giving you the spouse you desire or by taking the one you so loved.  In his good providence, he hasn’t provided a spouse for you as of right now. 

What he has provided is far better.  He’s given you the most precious thing he has – himself.  Through Jesus, God aims to satisfy all your longings and be the Treasure of your life.  The Psalmist says, “Whom have I in heaven but you?  And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (73:25-26).  God aims to be our portion.  He is our reward in heaven, not reunion with our spouse.  He should be what we desire most on this earth, not a spouse.

This is because God is the most valuable thing in the universe.  To elevate anything above him is idolatry.  To long for anything more than we long for God means that we want created things more than the One who created them.

The other basic reason why God, and not a husband or a wife, should be our utmost desire is because marriage is a temporary necessity, not an eternal reality.  Jesus says it this way, “At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage” (Mt. 22:30, NIV).  There will be no human marriage in heaven.  In the age to come, people won’t be married and people won’t be getting married.  In his book This Momentary Marriage, John Piper says, “Romance, sex, and childbearing are temporary gifts of God.  They are not part of the next life.  And they are not guaranteed even for this life.  They are one possible path along the narrow way to Paradise.”

This means that, however much we love our spouse, we won’t be with them forever in the context of marriage.  If we’re both believers, we’ll be together in heaven, but we won’t spend eternity in marital bliss.  We’ll spend eternity in the bliss of perfect relationship with Christ and all who know Christ.  This truth guards us from making an idol out of our spouse or of marriage.

Why Did God Create Marriage?

If marriage is temporary, then why did God create marriage?  The section of Ephesians that we’ll be studying over the next few weeks tells us clearly that God created marriage to display the relationship between Christ and his church.  Paul compares the relationship of husband and wife to the relationship between Christ and the church.  Notice the word “as” in verses 22-25, and his summarizing statement in verses 31-32.    

Marriage is intended by God to be a parable of the way Jesus loves his bride, the church, and the way the church is called to love him.  Marriage is a temporary institution designed to reveal eternal realities.

In Ephesians 5:22-33, Paul says that the two eternal realities God designed marriage to reflect are Jesus’ covenant-keeping and sacrificial love for his bride the church and the church’s humble and joyful submission to his leadership and authority.  In marriage, God wants the world to see Jesus’ posture toward his people and his people’s posture toward him.  This is the foundational truth under everything we’ll learn about marriage in these verses.

“Wives, Submit to Your Husbands”

Paul starts by explaining the role of wives in verses 22-24.  I want to address three questions from this text: what does submission mean, why should wives submit to their husbands, and how should wives submit to their husbands. 

Submission in Context

Before we discuss the meaning of submission, let’s make sure we read Ephesians 5:22 in its context.  Paul commands Christians to live Spirit-filled lives in verse 18.  He then lists several things that should characterize a Spirit-filled life.  “Submitting to one another” in verse 21 is one of those things.  Verse 21 is explained and applied in 5:22-6:9, as Paul spells out certain ways that Christians are to submit to others.  This section is called the “household code” because it’s all about relationships within the household: husband/wife, parent/child, and slave/master.  Spirit-filled submission happens first and foremost in one’s house. 

It’s interesting to note that in each example, Paul addresses the one under authority before those in authority: wives before husbands, children before parents, slaves before masters.  Why is this?  It’s probably because Paul knows that it’s almost impossible to lead people who don’t want to be led.  God’s good design for marriage will be hindered as long as wives are determined to live autonomous, independent, and self-directed lives. 

Verse 22’s call for the wives submission is also restated in Colossians 3:18, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”  And Titus 2:4-5, “Train the young women to…(be) submissive to their own husbands.”  And 1 Peter 3:1, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands.”  Submission isn’t an isolated teaching tucked away in a dark corner of the Bible.  Every passage that deals with the relationship of the wife to her husband tells her to “submit” to him.

Everyone Under Authority

Before we go further, let me state clearly that everyone lives under authority.  There’s no such thing as complete autonomy in God’s universe.  There’s one Lord and one King and it isn’t you or me.  Paul says it this way in 1 Corinthians 11:3, “I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.”  Men, women, and even Christ himself live under authority.  The Son and the Father share the same divine essence and glory, but the Son willingly submits himself to the Father.  Jesus said it this way, “I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of him who sent me” (Jn. 6:38).  The order of human relationships reflects an order in the Godhead.  Christ submits to the Father.  Men submit to Christ.  Wives submit to their husbands.  Therefore, one of the most Christ-like things a wife can do is to joyfully and humbly submit to her husband.    

Marriage must not be seen as two autonomous individuals living together.  Marriage, by God’s good design, is a structure of authority.  There’s a leader and there’s one who is led.  Because of sin, husbands don’t want to lead, or don’t lead in godly ways, and wives don’t want to be led (cf. Gen. 3:16).  This is why we need the Spirit to fill us and help us.  We cannot do this on our own.

What Does Submission Mean?

The first authority structure that Paul addresses in his “household code” is that of husband and wife.  What does “submission” mean?  The word for submission literally means “to put under,” or a “voluntary yielding in love.”  Submission is a wife’s voluntary putting of herself under the leadership or authority of her husband out of love for her husband. 

The voice of the verb tells us that it’s a voluntary “putting of oneself under authority.”  It means to subject oneself or to allow oneself to be in subjection.  Here’s why that’s important.  It means that wives are called to put themselves under the authoritative leadership of their husbands.  It means that submission is an act of the will on their part.  Wives must decide to do this.  They must make a daily choice concerning how they’ll live with their husbands.

This also means that a wife is not to be put in subjection by her husband.  The Bible never commands husbands to force their wives to submit.  Husbands who do this are living in sin and not loving their brides like Jesus loves his bride and they need to repent. 

At this point, a wife might ask, “If my husband isn’t acting like Christ, how can I submit to him?”  Paul gives the submission command without much qualification.  This seems like a lot to ask from a lot of wives who live with very imperfect men. 

The end of verse 22 helps us answer this question.  A wife should submit to her husband “as to the Lord.”  This means that a wife’s submission isn’t based on her husband’s performance, but on her relationship with Christ.  Her submission to Christ is the governing impulse of her life.  Submission to her husband flows from and reflects her relationship with Christ.  Peter even commands wives to submit to husbands who aren’t believers (1 Pet. 3:1-2).

“As to the Lord” also means that if a husband asks his wife to do something displeasing to the Lord, she’ll obey the Lord rather than her husband.  Wives, if your husband asks you to lie or to commit adultery or to watch porn or any other kind of sin, you must not submit to him in that.

Applied more broadly, though a wife subjects herself to her husband, she doesn’t have to subject herself to abuse.  If a husband uses his authority as an excuse to harm his wife physically, sexually, verbally, or in any other way, he is undermining God’s plan for marriage and living in sin.  Wives must remember that they aren’t alone if this is happening.  Listen to how Kathleen Nielson explains this in her book Women and God: “An abused spouse in a church body should never suffer alone.  An abusive spouse in a church body should never be left alone.  The leaders of a congregation have a responsibility to deal with not just doctrinal wrong but also moral wrong among their members.  In the case of abuse, it is the responsibility of the church to address that abuse thoroughly, seeking the safety and well-being of church members and also involving civic authorities when laws have been broken.”  This is what we must and will do at Preston Highlands.

Some argue that the Bible’s teaching on roles within marriage creates abusive environments.  That’s simply not true.  The biblical model for marriage doesn’t lead to abuse.  Sin leads to abuse.  Yes, the Bible’s teaching can and has been twisted and used as an excuse for the mistreatment of women.  But it’s simply flawed logic to say that someone’s bad handling of the Bible’s teaching makes the teaching itself evil.  That’d be like getting rid of the command to show hospitality just because some evil person poisoned the food that they served their guests. 

If you have been or are being abused, please know that this is a safe place for you.  There are people here who’ll walk with you through the healing process.  Also know that if you’re an abuser, God sees what you’re doing.  No one else may see it, but God sees it.  There’s nothing hidden that won’t come to light.  Both victim and abuser can find grace and healing and power to move forward and change in the Lord Jesus Christ. 

“Your Own Husbands”

Paul puts another qualifier about submission in verse 22.  He says that wives should submit to their “own husbands.”  Paul does not say that every woman must submit to every man.  He says that wives must submit to their husbands.  He isn’t saying that every relationship between a man and a woman must be one of submission and headship.  He’s saying that in marriage the woman should submit to the leadership of the man.  Elsewhere, Paul applies this principle to the family of God, the church, when he teaches that only men can serve as elders (1 Tim. 2:11-12). 

Why Should Wives Submit to their Husbands?

You may be asking why God would set things up this way?  Why must wives submit to their husbands?  The answer is in verse 23.  The reason wives should submit to their husbands is because (“for”) “the husband is the head of the wife.”  Paul doesn’t say that husbands should be the head of their wives.  He says that they are.  This is a statement of fact, not a command, an indicative, not an imperative. 

Many think that this view of marriage was just the view in Paul’s day, that it reflects the sexist society that Paul lived in.  But Paul doesn’t base his teaching on the cultural norms of his day.  He bases it in the teaching of Genesis 2 that we discussed last week.  In verse 31, he quotes Genesis 2:24 and uses it as the basis of his understanding of marriage (cf. 1 Cor. 11:8-9).

We saw last week that God created Adam first and Eve second and that Eve was designed to be Adam’s helper, not Adam as Eve’s helper.  God created Adam, gave him instructions and put him to work.  Then he created Eve to join Adam as his helper.  Adam, therefore, bears the responsibility of leading Eve.  Genesis chapter one teaches that they both received God’s blessing, and that they together rule God’s creation.  They are partners.  But chapter two makes it clear that Adam is the partner who leads.  This is God’s order for his image bearers.

This is the theological basis for Paul’s teaching that “the husband is the head of the wife.”  As we’ll see over the next two weeks, he’s to be a certain kind of leader.  But leader he is.  As pastor Doug Wilson says in his book Reforming Marriage, “Because the husband is the head of the wife, he finds himself in a position of inescapable leadership.  He cannot successfully refuse to lead.  If he attempts to abdicate in some way, he may, through his rebellion, lead poorly.  But no matter what he does, or where he goes, he does so as the head of his wife.”

Wilson says that even the man who sinfully abandons his wife and children has a leadership that dominates the home.  He asks, “How many children have grown up in a home dominated by the empty chair at the table?”  Husbands, you will lead your family in one way or the other.  May your wife and your children experience the joy and freedom and peace and life and blessing of a man who takes his role as head seriously.  May you be a man who is at the table, a man who is engaged, a man who isn’t a bump on a long, a man who doesn’t wimp out and let his wife wear the pants in the family, a man who doesn’t rule with an iron fist or with harshness or out of a desire for control.  May you be a man who exercises his headship over his family in a way that reflects Jesus’ headship over his family, “even as Christ is the head of the church” (v. 23).  Husbands can never stop saying something about Christ and the church.  We’ll either be telling the truth about Christ and his love for his bride.  Or, in our sin, we’ll be slandering the gospel we claim to believe in.

How Should Wives Submit to their Husbands?

Verse 24 helps wives understand how they should submit to their husbands.  The word “as” indicates the manner of the wife’s submission.  A wife’s submission to her husband should look like the church’s submission to Jesus. 

Verse 22 said it should be “as to the Lord.”  Her submission to her husband is an overflow of her submission to Jesus.  This is why, wives, you should focus on your relationship with Jesus first, not submitting to your husband.  Don’t put the cart before the horse.  Your humble and joyful and consistent pursuit of the Lord must happen first before you’ll be able to humbly, joyfully, and consistently submit to your husband.  I love how Kathleen Nielson puts it.  She says, “Submission is something that happens deep inside, by God’s grace.”  God’s transforming grace is your only hope in this, and his grace must be pursued. 

Back to verse 24, wives should submit to their husbands “as the church submits to Christ.”  How does the church submit to Christ?  Two words come to mind: humbly and joyfully.  The church humbles herself and walks joyfully before the Lord.  We walk in humility because we know who we are and who God is.  We know how sinful and wretched we are, and we know how holy and great God is.  We bow low before him as people undeserving of anything good from the God we’ve rebelled against.  But we also rejoice because the God who made us and has every right to judge us has pardoned us, removed our sin, and given us his righteousness through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  All those who’ve repented of their sin, stopped trusting in themselves, and put all their hope in Jesus are compelled to walk humbly before God and before others.  And joy, an unshakeable confidence that God is for them, not against them, fills their lives.  Wives, therefore, should live before their husbands in the same way that we should all live before Christ: with humility and joy.

Verse 24 also says that wives should submit to their husbands “in everything.”  Wives, submission to your husband applies to all areas of your life.  This doesn’t mean, as I said earlier, that wives should follow their husbands into sin.  There are plenty of biblical examples about obeying God rather than men if men are asking you to sin. 

What exactly does this mean?  It means that the wife should not act unilaterally.  She shouldn’t see herself as an autonomous person who can do whatever she wants.  This doesn’t mean that a wife can’t think for herself or make thousands of decisions for herself.  It does mean that wives should check with their husbands before they make a big decision or spend a large amount of money or do something that would affect the family.  Husbands, by the way, love their wives by doing the same things. 

A few months ago Suzy approached me about going on a trip with some friends.  I wasn’t in favor of the trip and tried to provide my reasons in a way that was clear and loving.  As the trip approached, I told her that I couldn’t stop her from going, that the choice was ultimately hers, but that I would be disappointed if she went.  Suzy decided not to go.  Afterwards, she told me that she thought, “Even if John is wrong about this, the Lord will honor me for following his leadership.”  She didn’t whine or pout or manipulate or seek to control me.  She humbly allowed me to lead her “in everything.”  Because she honored God’s word in that, the Lord will honor her.  Her submission makes me want to serve and sacrifice for her all the more. 

Paul provides more help on what submission looks like in the earlier part of Ephesians 5.  The church is supposed to “find out what pleases the Lord” (5:10) and “understand what the Lord’s will is” (5:17).  This is the approach a wife should take with her husband.  This means respecting your husbands will even if it means bending your own will in response.  It means taking the time to listen to your husband’s thoughts on things.  It means going to him for godly counsel.  It means learning what pleases him and seeking to understand him.  It means discerning how to be the most suitable helper for the man God has given you to help. 

Every marriage is different and one wife’s help will look different from another’s.  Suzy helps me think through teaching and preaching preparation.  She helps me think through big decisions for the church.  She helps me think through what I’m wearing, often telling me that things don’t match!  The point is that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach, but that submission means seeking to please and understand your husband.

An Earthly Picture of a Heavenly Reality

As we’ll continue to see over the next couple of weeks, marriage is intended by God to be a parable of the way Jesus loves his bride and the way his bride is called to love him.  When God designed marriage in the Garden of Eden, he had this great purpose in mind.  He designed marriage to be an earthly picture of a heavenly reality.  May our marriages reflect the glory of Jesus’s love for his church and the humility and joy of the church’s love for Jesus.  May our marriages bring glory to Jesus as they reflect the gospel of Jesus.